Hi all, I just wanted to take some time to write this evening. I hope all of you are enjoying the beginning of fall. The leaves haven't really started changing here yet, but they will be soon. When the seasons change, I often think about change. Lately, my life has been a mixture of change and consistency. While I feel like in some ways my whole world has opened up, there are some things that remain the same, which is quite nice.
I never really get personal on here about relationships and my love life, but recently I was in a relationship that ended at the beginning of last week, after I got back from a week long yoga training in Dallas. The relationship, even though fleeting, still taught me a lot about myself and the past few days I've found myself kind of reflecting on all the past relationships I've had, and on this one in particular. I am not sure if I believe that there is one person out there for us but, I do believe that each person shows up in the moment at the right time to teach us something.
All of my relationships that I've had, and I've had many, have for the most part ended very lovingly and this one topped the charts. It didn't end because we didn't get along, or didn't have affection and love for each other, it ended because I have been all consumed with the yoga studio and all that it entails and my life simply doesn't have room in it for anything else, at this time. I know that may sound bad, but I also think that for the longest time (about two years or three years now), I've been in a line of relationships without a whole lot of time between. Now, that I am, I guess, single, it is nice not having to live up to anyone else's expectations. As I got to really thinking about this, I realized that, that doesn't only apply for the romantic relationships that I've had, but in all realms of my life. For the first time, I feel that I am not inclined to live up to anyone's expectations, but my own. This is slightly a weird feeling, but a very good one.
Lately, I would say for the past week, I have been feeling my own strength and in a way I feel that it is partly due to the last relationship. He never took anything away from me and I mean this on the basic level that he never put me down, in fact he never failed to let me know how beautiful he believed me to be... and I am not one to take compliments well. I would always say no, that he was crazy and then I would mention other girls he should date that are far prettier than me. (I am crazy, I know)
But there was one afternoon and I don't think I will ever forget it... I'm not even sure what we were talking about, but he just stopped talking and said please agree with me that you are beautiful. I said, no, no, you are crazy. Why would I ever say that? He said, I am not going to talk about anything else until you tell me that you are beautiful, until you say to me "I am beautiful." For some reason, this felt like asking me to walk into the grocery store naked or to do something equally as crazy like go to work in pajamas. I just couldn't do it. Tears were streaming down my face and I felt like this was the hardest thing in the world, and it was almost like he was in some way torturing me. But finally, as I sat there now almost sobbing, I said it. I think I kind of screamed it, just so he would stop pestering me about it. He hugged me and he told me that I must know this and believe it. This was really the last full conversation we had. A few days later, I left for Houston and then went on to Dallas for a training. While I was in Houston, I went with my friend to buy makeup. There was a lady at the counter who of course wanted to show me some things. I sat down in the chair, curious, because lately I had not been sleeping and it was showing. She started doing my make up and after a while she held up the mirror. Usually I am terrified to look at the results because, I tend to think I look like a circus clown with make up on, but when she held it up, I looked at her and I said, oh my gosh, I am beautiful. The words just spilled out and the thing was, I believed it, for the first time in my life it was like I could see myself. I don't think it really had much to do with the make up at all, but more or less due to the boy who made me say it first. To him, I am forever grateful. We both said when we decided to part ways, that we would be a little jealous of who the other person ends up with. I know the girl he ends up with will not go a day without an enormous amount of love, and being told she's beautiful every single day. But, I also know that I will never forget the guy who made me believe it for myself.
"Often in our lives, we don't realize the significance of a relationship until later, when the experience has passed. Then we understand how the person helped us along the way, took us to the next part of our journey, opened us up to begin learning the next lesson...
Each moment, each interaction with another person has been important -- the quiet interactions, the ones that we barely notice, and the more significant relationships. Each moment- the moments that hurt, the moments that brought joy- helped. We touched each other. We were joined in an intricate dance, a dance in which our souls learned and grew.
And we had taken our places with each other on time, for the dance was perfectly choreographed...
Joyful that we had helped each other learn the lessons of the soul: courage, love, forgiveness, gentleness, self-love." Melody Beattie
To him, I am forever grateful, for the moments we sat and loved, the ones which involved forgiveness, courage, gentleness, and the self-love he instilled within me just a little bit deeper. You know a relationship was good when you come out of it stronger than you were when you got into it.
So girls, I would say date the guy who not only tells you that you're beautiful, but actually makes you believe it for yourself, because you are. :)