Love Anyway

This.

This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Mostly, due to the fact that I am feeling my own struggle and resistance with it right now. 

This morning when I woke up I got on the scales. Even as I type that I worry about the judgement which probably calls for an entirely different post at a later date. 

Am I seeing that correctly? I thought as I stared at the numbers. 

Aside from the stress disappearing from the wedding planning, I haven't really changed any habits, but what was once welcomed weight, felt no longer welcomed.

All of the sudden, I could feel myself beginning to spiral. I could feel my thoughts tangling themselves up. If something is wrong with me, I need to go the doctor. If something isn't wrong with me, then what is happening? What am I doing differently? I want to go for a run. I need to run. Maybe I won't eat today. Maybe I will just have water. I didn't eat very much for dinner last night, how could this be happening? What can I do to fix this? Change this? I could feel myself spinning out. Grasping for control, I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to leave my body. As I put on my running shoes and headed out the door, my husband stopped me. I told him how I was feeling. He hugged me. He told me he loved me. He tried to talk me out of the hole I was digging myself into, but I continued to head out the door on a mission. I wanted to figure out how to fix this and hide all at the same time. 

As I slowed down and began to walk I started thinking about what my yoga teacher says,"if we look for stability in our ever-changing world we will suffer. We have to connect to that place within us that is not defined by our outside circumstances."

As I thought about this, I closed my eyes. I could feel the wind on my face. I felt the sun on my skin and as silly as it may sound, I thought about how I felt in this moment. If I hadn't gotten on the scale this morning what kind of day would I be having? How would I feel? 

I could feel myself shift as I stepped back. In this moment, I felt happy, healthy, strong and vital. In this moment, I felt grateful for my body. I felt grateful to be able to walk, run and be outside. 

Slowly, my thoughts stopped spinning and as I collected my breath, I could feel myself calming down. This work was actually familiar. It's something I share with others in yoga repeatedly. What I wish for all girls, women, people, in general, is to be free of this feeling because I know it as one that can take a perfectly beautiful day and turn into something bad. 

When we wrap ourselves up into our thoughts this way, it takes us away from our inherent worth. Before we know it, we've just given our sense of self/power over to something that doesn't define us. 

I know all of this because it's really easy to do. I know this feeling. I know the allure of perfection. I've sat in it for years at a time. I've even tried to swim in it, but it doesn't work. It only makes us feel too exhausted for the things that really do matter in life. 

And while it's easy to attach our worth to something outside of ourselves, what's actually hard is to wake up every day and love ourselves anyway. 

But, what happens when we are brave enough to love ourselves anyway?

What happens when we are brave enough to love ourselves no matter how much we weigh?

Or what we look like?

Or how much we've accomplished?

How much money we've made?

How powerful we are?

How many people like us?
What our kids do or don't do?

What happens when we can just be and breathe?

What happens when we choose how we eat, live, love based on how we truly feel rather than how we want to look or want something else to look? Whether it be our bodies, relationships or choices in general...

Can we be brave enough to love ourselves anyway?

Today, I had to work at it. Tomorrow, I'll have to work at it... maybe it will get easier, maybe it won't. This I know for sure though, bravery lies in our ability to be human. It really does because nothing is perfect. 

So we have a choice every day and the choice is can we love ourselves anyway?

This is the work I want to do and would rather do.

I would rather eat my breakfast tacos and enjoy them than let a fucking scale determine if I'm going to eat today. 

What would you rather do? 

Think about it and love yourself anyway.