Wow, it's been over a year since I have visited this page. I knew it had been awhile, but I had no idea just how long it had been-- too long. I currently have spit up in my hair (yep, full mom-mode) and I'm sitting here in my pajamas, drinking decaf coffee while my two-month-old son naps. It's weird to type those words. I have a son. I can't even believe it most of the time, because it still doesn't feel real. I am not just babysitting or doing this mom thing for the time being, no, with each passing day I have struggled to understand that my days will not have the same rhythm they used to, nor will I be maintaining the same pace of life that I had before baby. While I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time reflecting, but I was also working/going to school (I'm in the last semester of getting my Master's degree in counseling) so I didn't really have time to picture what my life would be like once baby got here. I was so focused on just getting through the pregnancy and labor, that I never thought about what would happen once he was actually here. I think I was always holding my breath, just hoping that with each passing day of pregnancy, things would keep progressing and eventually, I would get to hold Ethan. Truth be told, I was terrified of labor and couldn't read anything that would allow me to get too concerned over all the things that "could" happen. Lucky for me, I went into labor completely surprised. On Thursday, March 14th, I was sitting with clients and around 6:30pm in the middle of a couple session, talking about boundaries, my water broke. I truly didn't know if my water was actually breaking. At first I legitimately thought I was peeing myself, but then it didn't stop and before I knew it, I was sitting in a puddle of fluid. I felt embarrassed (an unexpected feeling) and had no idea what to do, but I will tell you, my first instinct was to try to hide it and carry on with the session like it wasn't happening. Looking back now, this makes me laugh. Thankfully, I was not with new clients, I feel that would have been even more awkward. As I told my clients that I thought my water was breaking they quickly ran and got me paper towels and trash bags. I will never forget sitting there wondering if something was wrong. I was at the stage in my pregnancy where I knew he could come at any time, I just didn't think any time would be now. That very morning, I was sitting in a group session and I remember feeling such tremendous pressure "down there" that I felt like I needed to stand up. Afterwards, I went to Walgreens and bought a bunch of stuff for the hospital/after-birth because I hadn't done that yet and suddenly felt this urge to get stuff done. That afternoon, I had a doctor's appointment and was told my cervix was still thick and I wasn't dilated, but the baby's head was very low (hence, the pressure, I believe). I had a meeting after my doctor's appointment and then two more client sessions, so it was a busy day. The last thing I thought was that I would go into labor. Flashing back to sitting with clients, as fluid was still coming out of me, I called my husband and told him that my water might be breaking, then I called my parents. My supervisor ended up taking me to the hospital, which was funny because he's not only my supervisor, but has been my professor for the past three years. I sent an email on the way to the hospital to one of my other professors telling them that my paper due on Sunday might be late. I had every intention of completing it on Friday, but... little man had other plans.

I feel like birth/having a baby is so much to process. It really is a tremendous life change and yet, I think we as moms expect ourselves to fall into it so easily. I even find myself looking at moms that had babies around the same time as I did thinking, gosh, they just sank back into what looks like normal life so easily. Meanwhile, I can't seem to figure out how not to be constantly covered in breast milk. If you're wondering how the labor and delivery went, although I have nothing to compare it to, I had a very good experience. I did find it odd that I went into labor at 6:30pm on Thursday night and didn't see a doctor until 8am the next morning. Also, I labored all night without any medication or assistance so I kept wondering if my contractions were contractions or if I was just a baby (spoiler: they were) and I was just having a baby not being a baby. I made it until 6:45am and then finally received an epidural. Once I had the epidural, I was able to relax! Mamas who have long labors who go without, HOLY COW! You go! I was too afraid that the exhaustion alone would wear me out before pushing.  P.S. I didn't have a birth plan going in and was open to anything needed that would keep us safe.

I didn't miss not having a birth plan and I am also so grateful I didn't really have any expectations around what labor would be like, because I feel this allowed me to just be in the moment.
I don't know about you guys, but after giving birth, I had this newfound respect for my body and after taking care of Ethan for less than two weeks, I had this whole new respect for mamas. Moms are superheroes.

I still feel like I am very much just getting my feet back on the ground, but my hope is to write a little more. Ethan is now taking regular naps in his bassinet (post on that later).

It's funny to look back on this blog. Writing has always been here for me and I think I've been craving it so much because it gives me space to stretch out. It's like being able to stretch out my insides and finally process the last year. I can feel my heart softening as I type and my body relaxing as I move into this new place in my life as a mom, a counselor, a writer, and someone who appreciates authenticity and truth more with each passing day.