Dear Amazing Girl...
I read this a while back and it resonated so much within me that I came to tears just reading it and I thought I would share. Lately, I have felt somewhat off track, off balance, unsure and in the midst of everything... trying to make big decisions, run a business, be there not only for myself, but for every other person I come into contact with on a daily basis. I find myself sitting here writing and feeling tired. I haven't been able to sit down and write in a long time. Part of me says there's only so much I can say in one day and most of it is said in my classes, another part of me thinks that in some way, I should have it together by now, and by it meaning my life. The past week I have spent trying to decide on class times to add at Maitri, which wedding I should go to in August since two very important ones happen to be on the same day, while at the same time trying to merge two important parts of my life, a past and a future, and maintaing my sense of self. However, I am reminded on a daily basis that this moment, this moment right here, right now is the only one we're sure about, so when everything gets overwhelming, it is a simple reminder to just breathe and be.
When I started on this path, a different one than I could have ever imagined or dreamed of, I didn't realize that at the beginning of it, I had to make a decision and that decision was the hardest one I've ever made to date and that was to let go of any life I had planned out for me. The boy, the college, the career, all of it. I flushed it and I left. I left because in the midst of the plan, I lost myself. I didn't realize it of course until years later when things started making sense again, but I essentially had to go out and get myself and it wasn't until I had myself that I could ever return home here to Arkansas. A lot of you who know me or might read the blog, know that it has been the hardest transition I've ever made. What's coming up for me now is the fact that I am "seen" just about every single day, and lately I have been struggling through some things. Every day I get up to teach I've thought to myself, can they see it? When I teach I often take whatever comes up that day and in some way share it with every one in the room. But what happens when I might be experiencing the feeling of anger? I think, "shit," I'm a yoga teacher, zen, zen, zen, but then I turn that into fake, fake, fake, so my only option is to show up and be forced to be authentic. Some how that is the only way I know how to teach. You may think that this isn't a big deal, but for a perfectionist, it is. My saving grace is that as soon as I walk into Maitri there is always a huge wave of relief that comes over me because I know I'm safe. What I'm realizing now or learning now is how to be vulnerable yet safe. I used to think that if people truly saw me, my fears, my wounds, my scars, my doubts, my insecurities, that I may not ever be loved. What is crazy to me is that somehow this fear even gets instilled into us. At what point do we forget that we are human? At what point do we forget to forgive ourselves? At what point did we ever think it's not okay to feel and express how we feel? I think somewhere along the way for the longest time, I forgot how to ask for what I need. I am slowly, and I mean very slowly learning how to now. I always have attached asking for what I need to hurting someone, or letting someone down... how I do not know. Perhaps it was easier to be quiet and it became so much easier that I lost my voice. It's taken me a long time to get it back. Lots of therapy and yoga, but every day I try to honor myself a little more. I think as girls we have to stick together. To remind each other to take care of our own hearts, minds, bodies and souls. I was sitting around talking to two of my friends after class today, although we have all had very different experiences, the way that we've felt at one time or another has been the same. One thing that yoga gave to me that has been invaluable is my own self. It has given me courage and still does give me courage every single day to keep going... to keep making the decision each and every day to choose myself. So, my dear amazing girl, I will encourage you to do the same.
The path, the road, the trail, the journey isn't easy. I'm not sure if it ever really will be, but each day I hope we encourage each other to be there for each other, supporting and learning that it's okay to lean on someone, to trust that there are some people in your life who come in and who are in your corner, and the ones who aren't, it's okay to let them go. After all we make the choice and it's a choice every single day. Choose yourself. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Embrace who you are, where you came from, what you've been through and recognize that you are amazing. :)
love and light friends.