Wednesday, August 28, 2013

An adventure back to myself...

Hi there, I am happy to be sitting here writing. We are at the end of August, approaching the beginning of September and I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. This month has flown by and where to begin, I'm not even sure. My teacher, Maria flew into town from Yoga Ananda in Houston. It was wonderful to have her here in Arkansas and to show her Maitri, since Maitri would not exist without her and YA.

It is crazy how things can change so much within one year. At this time last year, I was still living in Houston, and trying to figure out whether to move to Fayetteville or not. Having Maria in town, was almost like showing her everything she has given me. Yoga truly gave me back my life in a way I could have never imagined the first time I stepped onto a yoga mat.

I think in some ways I have always been afraid to be seen, always been afraid to show up for myself and therefore couldn't really show up for anyone else. When I was 19 something happened, something shifted. I stopped trusting and I checked out. Although I was still walking around functioning, that's about all I was doing. I made decisions that were easy, I made decisions playing it safe so I would never really have to show up or get hurt. It took me a long time to take the disconnected parts of myself and mend them together. I've had many tears fall in yoga, along with lots of sweat and with the out and out resistance faced every single day on the mat, all of this led to slowly shedding the layers of armor I had built around myself. My yoga mat turned me inward so much so, that I little by little started grieving. Grieving for the past, all the times I had never stuck up for myself or fought for myself, grieving for the fear I've felt of vulnerability and slowly realizing how I've seemed to keep everyone at an arm's length distance. Maria, without even knowing it helped me to face all of these things on the mat and what came from it was forgiveness. Realizing that I couldn't have done any better than I did at the time. That forgiveness in many ways led to love, a self-love, which turned into courage and what came from that was Maitri. I mentioned this in a recent post, but at Maitri I am being "seen" every single day I teach. I've put my heart and soul into Maitri and everyone who walks through that door has a window into my humanness that I struggle with every single day. When I taught a class for Maria while she was here, I realized something. I didn't want to fail in front of her... and what did I do? I taught the worst class I've ever taught in my life, or at least, what I thought was the worst class. I cried after that class. I cried and I cried and I wanted to give up. But then I realized something that I hadn't thought about since opening Maitri, I would rather fail a thousand times over than never teach another yoga class. That day, I forgave myself again for being imperfect and I realized that there are so many gifts in our perceived failures. If I hadn't taught a shitty class, then I would have missed the gift, the gift of letting go of the approval from anyone. Maria, my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends, anyone...
Even though I have fear, even though I still have self-doubt and sometimes am very hard on myself, I am reminded to forgive myself, let go and to keep going, and that is what I will remind every person who walks through Maitri every single day. So, as we start to close out the end of August, I am thankful; thankful for each and every new beginning and the fear that reminds us to have the courage to live anyway. :) ::namaste::

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Currently :: Loving

Hi friends! Hope you all are well. Life has been busy but good. The studio is going through lots of transitions as we work a new schedule into the mix, as well as new teachers. I am so grateful for all the growth, but it has also added a whole new level to owning a business. My teacher from Houston, Maria, from Yoga Ananda is coming on Sunday and staying for the week to help me out. I am so excited to see her and beyond grateful she is taking the time to come visit. It doesn't quite settle in sometimes that in fact live here in Arkansas and own a yoga studio. Sometimes I look back and think what happened? How did I get here? There are some remnants of what I sometimes feel was my "old life." Which felt much more glamorous than the one I'm living now. However, I am learning to trust where I am and trust the people who have come into my life. It's weird when you start realizing how much things have changed and I am constantly reminded of it living here. I think in so many ways I came back to deal with some things that I didn't deal with before. It's like I've come back to get that part of me that I left behind, hoping in some way to accept all the parts of my life. I have to work on it every single day. It is my yoga just to breathe into the present and let go of everything else. Easier said than done at times. However, I am thankful for the moment and am so blessed to teach this practice. Every single time I get up to teach, everything feels right and in that moment I am reminded that perhaps my life doesn't look like I thought it would, in so many ways it feels like I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I really hope you all have a wonderful day. PS I am definitely hoping to start writing more and more, writing until anything that might be blocking me is gone!

I posted these three pictures because I absolutely love the fireplace in the first one and really want to add one in my house! I also love what Anne Rice says about writing and am currently looking for a pair of cute boots like the ones above. :)

That's all for today! Enjoy!

images via pinterest