It's been a long time since I've written anything in the evening, but this screen with buttons keeps nagging at me, so here I am. I can't seem to write enough lately. It's almost like I have so much to say, that I can't seem to say anything at all or at least that's how I felt as I was tripping over my words teaching yoga this afternoon. As I mentioned in my previous post, over the weekend, I went to Dallas for a weekend yoga workshop. I had a four-hour drive so to pass the time I played different podcasts, two being from Oprah's Super Soul Sunday with Brene Brown. Yes, I am both a HUGE Oprah and Brene Brown fan. As I passed through the great state of Oklahoma into Texas, Brene was talking about courage, what it means to dare greatly, and vulnerability. One of the things she said keeps playing in my mind and I can't seem to get it out of my head because my yoga teacher also alluded to something similar. She said that one of the things we're most afraid of in life is joy. Oprah had a tone of surprise when Brene mentioned this, but I sat there in my car nodding. I knew exactly what Brene was talking about, much to my own dismay. She went on to say that we worry when things are bad, but we often worry just as much when things are going well. I again found myself nodding my head, thinking, this is my whole life. Why do we do this? We want to try to prepare as much as possible for the other shoe to drop. Brene said that the truth of it is that we are actually terrified of vulnerability. We try to protect ourselves so much from feeling anything. We think if we prepare for the worst that it will somehow cut down on the pain when and if it comes, but all it really does is keep us from our joy. Wow. I could cry that hits me so hard even as I type it. My whole life I feel I've been bracing for impact. I walk a tightrope of holding on while pretending to let go. It keeps me just safe enough. Once I arrived at the workshop, still replaying Brene's words, my yoga teacher made the statement that we are always changing and because of this change we often live in fear because of the unknown. He too said that we fear when things are going really well, and we also fear when things aren't going so well. In this case, what do we do? In yoga we use our breath to stabilize us, not only in postures but in our own heads. Like an anchor, we use our inhales and exhales to keep us present, but why? As Rod Stryker pointed out this weekend, the practice helps us to connect us to that part of ourselves which is constant, unwavering, indestructible, and really even undefinable. This is something I've known. It's a place that's even hard to write or talk about because it's something we feel not something we find. It's this place that we come back to, that we rest in and find solace in so that we can find stability even when our outside world is shifting. It helps us to stay steady so that our outside circumstance doesn't have so much power over us. We often give our job, relationship, successes, failures too much power and because of it, we wrap our identities around things that are constantly changing, so how could we ever find consistent joy? Maybe it's unattainable, but in the practice of yoga some would say that it is attainable. Me, even being a doomsday skeptic would say that it is, but it's challenging. When we can rest in this place, we can step back and not only witness but gain clarity in our lives. When we rest in this place, we are able to find something constant within us which makes the outside world much less powerful.
To relax more, and worry less.
I think joy is worth it.
“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude, and grace.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
