Hi all! So, yesterday, I had one of those days, where everything seemingly went wrong. I feel like I taught the worst yoga class of my life, and could not say one thing right. Everyone was going different directions, I kept saying the wrong thing, the breaths were all messed up, it was one of those classes... that has nothing to do with preparation and everything to do with fear. As I wrote about yesterday, our best moments come from being in the moment and doing what we love, well during class yesterday, my fears turned to... "I want this to be a good class." While that's great and everything, it completely took me out of what was happening in the moment and drew my attention towards something so outside of myself that I lost it-- my words, my breath, everything. My brother later in the evening, sent me a you tube video, "Boom goes the Dynamite," to make me feel better. It is pretty hilarious, but only made me feel slightly worse. Let's just say someone could have said hi to me and I would have felt worse. I was in an all out and out tailspin of beating myself up. "I'm not good enough. That was terrible. What's wrong with me. Why did I ever think I could do this?" All of these things that yoga is not, I was-- in my ego, self-centered and giving myself a really hard time, all because of one 75 minute yoga class.
I started thinking to myself about all the times I've missed moments because of being really hard on myself. All the times that I think to myself that I have to be perfect in order to be loved. Flawless. Here's the thing... This is the most vulnerable I've ever been in my life. Last night all I wanted to do was pack a bag and run, hide in a cave somewhere and I can't tell you how many times I have done just that. Not literally, :) of course, but any time I feel like my vulnerabilities are coming out or I screw up in front of people, I quit, because I think to myself how dare I make mistakes. I thought to myself last night, that I don't know if I have the courage to make mistakes in front of people. I don't know if I have the courage to fail and still be okay... and if you read yesterdays post, it is all about this very thing-- having the courage to fail.
We all have fears-- and I think last night, I realized that I have always let them win. So, today, I woke up and I thought to myself, I am not going to let one class determine who I am. I would rather be f'ing up in front of everyone than not doing something I love, just because I'm afraid.
This weekend, I am heading to Dallas for a Baron Baptiste yoga conference. I am so excited to do some good yoga, rinse everything out and release it. Yesterday, gave me a great gift, and that was the decision to keep going no matter what... It was a point of resistance and I've had to surrender to the fact that I am not perfect. I am very human with all of my mistakes, insecurities and fears, and I am sure there will be more classes, that will feel like a wash, but for this moment, I am going to choose not to give up. Yoga gave me space on my mat to not be perfect--- it has been the only place where I've ever felt like I could let whatever come up, come up. It gave me permission to be okay, exactly where I am with exactly what I have to give at this moment. I hope to give my students the same thing. A place where it doesn't matter what happens, just don't give up on yourself and who you are.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that...
image via pinterest :)