It has been a pretty tearful time for me as probably many of you who read this blog can tell. I feel like I am staring many of my vulnerabilities in the face and I am having to make the choice... the choice to not allow my fears to take over my dreams. And I'm having to make it over and over and over again, every day. There will always be thoughts in our heads telling us that we're not enough, that we can't, but I guarantee there is another place inside of us, that calls for something greater. A little twinge or perhaps a pull at the heart, that knows we can't allow our own limited beliefs about who we are to get the best of us. I guess one of the reasons this transition has been so hard for me, is because I've never really stood up for myself before and I've definitely never really gone for it... There is some part of me that feels safer playing small and that thinks something bad is going to happen if I allow myself to be really seen. I've had my family and many other people to lean on during this process, but the only person who can really get me though this, is myself. And it isn't about anything other than, finally telling the truth, being honest, authentic, open and for once not leaving, but instead sitting here, and being okay with not knowing. Like I've mentioned before, I think that the universe is always giving us the chance for healing. Sometimes we don't want to go there, sometimes we're not ready, sometimes we might feel that if we really looked at it, it would be all too painful, but if we never go to it, then it's always lingering and the shadow wins because without us even knowing it, it has the control. But if we go through it, grieve it, forgive ourselves, forgive others and release it then we're not so afraid of it anymore, it loses the control. Last night I was talking to my parents and my dad, who has been in recovery over a year now, told me that I should try to give it up to my higher power. My fears... of not being loved, not being enough, failure, saying too much, not saying enough... that I need to give all of that up to God, because it's too much, it's too heavy and as I wrote about yesterday it's keeping me from seeing the magic in my own life. That's what our fears do, they turn our attention away from the magic, the blessings and the miracles and we miss the moment, the beauty of it all. Throughout this week, I've found myself teaching yoga, but at the same time, not really teaching it because I've been missing the moment. And teaching yoga is my favorite thing to do and I'm missing it because I've been so worried and focused on I don't even know what. Ridiculous! This is a work in progress, this letting go thing, the surrender, the working through it... I think it takes time especially when we have allowed some of our beliefs about who we are to control us our entire lives. But we just have to keep giving our fears up to the universe and allow God to do his work, every day. Every single day.
This post was a little bit heavier than I anticipated, but that's just what came out. I never really plan what I am going to write, kinda like how I never really plan what I'm going to teach in my classes, I just kinda let whatever comes up, come up.
But, I do want to let you all know, that we often attach labels to things... good times, bad times, hard times, fun times-- I think that all times, are necessary. :) I think that what I am going through now is a very necessary part of growth... at least that is what I tell myself! As I mentioned in an earlier post, after I went to Baron's, he kept telling us that the only way out is through, and to go to the places where we have most resistance.... well, lemme' tell ya, I'm there. I'm sitting in it, and this time I'm going to hold the pose, and breath my way through it.
Lots of love to you all!