I was reading an Instagram post the other day and I really wish I could remember which one it was because I would link it here if I could. It depicted a mother nursing. The mother described herself as exhausted, disheveled and certainly not beautiful. An older woman saw her, approached her and told her that moms during this stage are the most beautiful. The nursing mom was quizzical. The older woman said, you are the most beautiful you've ever been because this is pure love. I feel like I am butchering this right now because it was deeper and more thoughtful than what I am describing now, but it really made me stop and think about how society portrays moms. If you lose all your "baby weight" quickly and seemingly look like you have it together than that is something to be proud of, but if you don't well then, you better get it together. This thinking is so exhausting and it is absolute bullshit. For the most part, the weight fell off fairly quickly for me, but that didn't mean I was nourishing myself. I also tried to get dressed and get back to "myself" the day we got home from the hospital. I tried to keep up with all the housework and make smoothies for Noah in the morning before he left for work; but, I just ended up really exhausted and really resentful because nothing that I was doing felt in alignment with what was happening inside of me. Inside of me, I didn't feel the same. I knew that I wasn't the same, but for the first few weeks of Ethan's life, I was running on adrenaline and determined to not let motherhood change me. Looking back, I did this subconsciously and around the time he turned a month old I hit a wall and I've kept hitting this wall over and over again because I have failed to acknowledge that motherhood changes you. It just does and there is no way around it to my knowledge. Motherhood is the purest form of love. There is nothing that our children could do that would make us as parents stop loving them. That is the closest thing to God's love I think we will ever feel here on earth. It's intense, raw, emotional, scary and vulnerable to love something so much because there is a lot that we can't control. We spend our time as parents pouring into our kids hoping to give them and help them have a full life. Our bodies, in my opinion are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the changes. I mean being put in charge of someone's wellbeing who you love so much you would give your life for, I think that's the big one. But it's easier...
It's easier to talk about appearances.
It's much more challenging to talk about the pure love and the sacrifices, fear, joy, excitement, hope, pain and love that come with it. I think that's what makes it so hard and so beautiful all at the same time.

So mamas just remember, no matter how it looks, the pure love you're giving your kids every day is beautiful no matter how you look or how it looks.

I think a prayer for myself is to remember that every single day, because now as I sit here scarfing down oatmeal before picking up Ethan from his nap,

Ethan's Birth Story

I think we write birth stories more for ourselves than others. There is so much to process and  everything goes by so fast that it is only now, here, seven months later that I am able to sit down and tell the best story that I have ever lived out and that is Ethan's birth story.

It was a Thursday, March 14th. I woke up that morning and I had a lot of pressure down in my pelvis. I had a really packed schedule that day and I had back to back sessions with clients. That morning, I was sitting in on a group session and I felt so uncomfortable that I kept feeling like I needed to stand up and walk around. It was such an odd feeling. It felt heavy in my pelvis and somewhat achey!
I kept trying to move around in my seat, trying to get comfortable, but nothing was working. Finally the session ended (it was an hour and it felt like 4 hours), I had a little bit of time before going to another session so I ran to Walgreens and stocked up on all the things I had read that I would need for the hospital and after the hospital postpartum. I was approaching my 39th week and hadn't done that yet, but after the session I just had this weird feeling I needed to go get these things, but at the time of course I couldn't put my finger on why. 

The pressure I had been feeling had seemingly gone away. I had a doctor's appointment that day at 3pm. My mom went with me because Noah couldn't make it. I wasn't dilated and my cervix wasn't thinning, so by all the signs, Mr. Ethan was going to take his time; however, I still had a weird feeling that I just couldn't shake, but with the doctor's assurance that it still might be a little while, I didn't think anything about it.  

After my 3pm doctor's appointment I had back-to-back sessions with clients and I had just gotten off the phone with a friend before my 6pm client arrived telling her that my doctor still thinks it is going to be awhile. Little did I know, sitting in session with a couple, I would not make it out of that session saying the same thing. At 6:30pm I felt warm liquid beginning to fill my underwear. I thought I was peeing myself a little bit at first (which, was kinda normal at this point) so I continued the session. Then there was more and more liquid and I thought to myself, oh my gosh, I really can't stop peeing! Something must be wrong! Three minutes or so later, I was sitting in a puddle of water. Luckily, I had been seeing these clients for about a year and was comfortable with them, but at this point, I still wasn't sure if I was just peeing myself or if my water was breaking so I was a little embarrassed. 

I will never forget them sitting across from me as I tried to find a way to interrupt the session casually to say, "ugh, guys, I'm really sorry, but I think my water is breaking." The wife came around and she said, "Yep, your water is breaking." She ran and got me paper towels and brought me my bag so I could call Noah. 

At this point, I had no idea what to think. I thought that maybe something was wrong. I called Noah and he was in the middle of a house project/working out. I told him that I thought my water was breaking. After I got off the phone with Noah, I called my parents. 

I then just sat in the chair not really knowing what to do. The husband of the couple could not have been more excited for me. He assured me that everything would be okay and that I was okay. 

They offered to take me to the hospital, so I proceeded to gather up my stuff and walk down the hallway. I was wearing black pants so luckily, the fluid all over me was somewhat discreet. I felt like I had toilet paper attached to my shoe because I could feel everyone looking at me as I walked down the hall. 

My supervisor/professor stepped out of his office and after going back and forth trying to decide who would take me, we finally decided that he would. I didn't want to ruin the seats of his new car. He laughed and said it would be fine. I sent my professor an email on the way to the hospital saying that my paper due Sunday might be late. Then I called Noah. He couldn't believe I was on the way to the hospital. LOL. He didn't know what to think, nor did I! Luckily, I had some pj's laid out and some of my stuff for the hospital from Walgreens that morning out on the table. 

Once we arrived at the hospital, I filled out paperwork (I think) and then they put me in an observation room. The nurses couldn't figure out if my water had actually broken so I sat there for awhile while they checked me and checked me again. My parents stopped by, Noah's parents stopped by. I couldn't eat but they had brought Noah some dinner. I tried to do homework while we were in the observation room (what was I thinking)? I clearly couldn't focus, but I had a paper due on Sunday and still needed to read the book for it. Whoops!

I think it might have been around 8pm that they finally checked me into a room. They hooked me up with an IV full of fluids.

The contractions started a little later that evening. They started slow and mild. I had Noah's parents tell me when the contractions were coming so I knew if I was experiencing this pain for a reason. I still couldn't believe I was in labor! 

They left around 10:30pm and once they left my contractions really got going. I labored all night without any medication. It was exhausting and it was so odd not having a doctor there. It was really Noah and I just in there alone. I still kept thinking, am I in labor? Is this supposed to feel this way? I asked for a medicine ball and thank God I did because it was EVERYTHING!  Throughout that night I bounced on the ball and Noah and I walked the halls. Movement was so helpful.
Eventually though, the nurses had me get into bed and stay there because the strap around my belly to measure Ethan's heartbeat kept slipping.

I kept watching the clock at this point. I knew at 5:30am they were going to start me on Pitocin to really get things moving... 

Like clockwork, at 5:30am they started me on Pitocin and guys... I was in bed and the contractions started to feel unbearable. 

Am I alone when I say that Pitocin is no joke? My contractions started coming every 2 minutes and they were so intense. I was getting very tired by this point and the contractions felt like a jack hammer. My whole body was starting to shake and I was exhausted. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted medicine but I couldn't decide. Finally (an hour after the Pitocin), at 6:30am, I decided to take the epidural. Whew. After the epidural, it was pretty smooth sailing. Noah's parents came that morning around 8:30am and mine did too. I was able to enjoy them all. 

By 11am I was fully dilated and it was time to push, but at one point they had to slow down my labor to wait for the doctor to get out of a c-section in order for me to deliver.  They slowed me down so much that when it finally came time to push, I wasn't having a contraction and every time I would push, Ethan's heart rate would drop. I remember thinking: for one thing, I don't really know how to push and another, Ethan and I have come this far so we've got to do this thing. It was just me and Noah + the doctor in the room, but a little while later there were nurses that started to pile in the room. I didn't really know what was going on at the time, but they were in there ready for an emergency-c section just in case I needed to have one. 

I kept trying to push, but I wasn't still wasn't sure I was doing it right. At one point, I laughed and that's how I figured out the muscles I needed to engage to push. 

So, I told Ethan to trust me and I pushed. 

11:45am he showed up and my world has not been the same and I know it will never be the same. 

Noah and I decided to take an hour by ourselves with Ethan right after he was born, so our family had to wait to meet him! As soon as they put him on my chest, I had colostrum coming out of me, so I fed him and had the lactation specialist check to see if there were any concerns.

I am so grateful that Ethan latched easily, but what I didn't expect was him not wanting to take a bottle until he was 4 months (maybe that is another post)! I have heard everything about nipple confusion, etc., but never had I heard of a baby not taking a bottle! The things you don't think of until you're a mom... my goodness! That list is long.

In hindsight, I wish I would have known more going into birth, but at the same time, I feel like if I would have known more of what to expect, I would have worried/anticipated more. Since I wasn't expecting Ethan to come when he did, I was just sort of in the moment of it all (not really knowing what was going on)!

I know everyone's birth story is different, unique, personal.

I just wanted to share mine to process it because I think the moment our baby arrives we are sort of swept up in the immersion that comes from this newfound role of motherhood. Stepping back and remembering that day helps me to integrate life before Ethan and life now.

I don't really have any advice (gasp, I know that is a dreaded word), but I do wish I had packed a hospital bag sooner. Note to self: pack hospital bag just in case!

I will say that I thought I would be more afraid. I thought I would be afraid when I went into labor. I thought I would be afraid when I started to push. I thought I would be afraid when they told me I might need an emergency c-section. I wasn't afraid. I knew that no matter what, everything was really out of my control and all I could do was try to talk to Ethan and connect with him so that we could do this birth thing together. It was the most powerful experience because at the end of the day, the process of birth is ultimately surrendering every expectation we have so that we can do what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves and our baby. I find myself still needing to do that every single day.

I think that birth is the most powerful teacher and initiation into motherhood, because although we can prepare for it, we can't really plan it.

I wish that is what someone would have told me while I was pregnant.

Prepare for birth, but don't try to plan it, instead just be present, breathe and let go. 

Tales of a Sleep-Deprived New Mom

It's probably the fourth time I have re-heated my coffee (decaf) this morning. Yes, I am drinking decaf and pretending like it isn't. Why? Nursing.

Guys, this weekend was a doozy. I have been nursing some sort of cold and because of that, I wasn't able to sleep on Friday night. I thought it might be decreasing my milk supply after trying to pump around 9pm after feeding E at 7pm. We just adjusted his sleep time to help us transition into the fall time change. When I pumped for 5 minutes and got nothing but drips, I began to fully panic. I laid in bed that night wondering if Ethan was starving. Wondering if he had gotten enough food. I went through all these scenarios in my head and thought about the research I've done on formula. Although, I've looked at plenty and debated many times to start formula, I haven't ever been able to decide on one, so I've kept going. Finally, around 3 am I got out of bed and pumped after not being able to sleep a wink. I pumped over 8 ounces.
I then proceeded to lay on the couch and watch Gilmore Girls because I couldn't handle going upstairs to see my soundly sleeping husband. I had already woken him up at 2am in my panic. I didn't want to risk the urge of waking him again.

As the credit for Gilmore Girls started I finally fell asleep.

E slept through the night, but I did not.

Now, let's talk about last night. For the first time in the 7 months since Ethan has been alive we had him out past bedtime and didn't do a bath. We were determined parents who didn't want to let a schedule run their lives... Ha!

We got home, did pj's... he went to sleep. He woke up at 10pm, then at 11pm and I got up with him around 11:30pm. Then he woke again about 5:15am. I waited until 5:30, then nursed him. He didn't want to go back down, so I got up with him. By 6:30am he was ready to go back to sleep, I nursed him, put him down, climbed back in bed only to put my head against my pillow completely awake. I tried to close my eyes, to relax, but I was awake. 7:15am my husband's alarm went off. Shortly after, E woke up. My husband went to get him and told me to stay in bed. I tried. I tried to sleep, but I could hear them downstairs.

So, I got up and here I am, re-heating my coffee. In the mix between my frustration, bad thoughts, anger and delirium, somewhere I found gratitude. Gratitude for this healthy boy. Gratitude for being chosen to be his mom. Gratitude. But it's not easy.

Now he's up for his nap, which was only 30 minutes and my intention today is just to make the most of it.

I know I can't be alone when it comes to the absolute mix of emotions that come with being a new mom. A lot of people write about it and talk about it, but we still often feel alone, because we are in our houses or going to work and having to in some way keep it all together.

So for those mamas out there, getting up with their babies, doing their thing, re-heating coffee...
respect. Moms are superheroes. You are a superhero. Remember that today.   

                        This. Because life as a new mom feels overwhelming sometimes.

         Currently dreaming about an organized pantry. I have every intention of modeling my life after The Home Edit.

Give me all the basics: camillestyles.com 

I am going to pretend like it hasn't been months since I've written.

It's finally feeling like fall here and as the grey clouds cover the morning sky, I am so grateful for the cooler weather. The summer heat was significantly noticeable this year with Ethan and now that I don't have to reach in to get him out of his car seat only to feel his warm little sticky skin, I am sighing relief. The cool weather just makes it so much easier! E is now 7 months old! I can't believe it. He started sitting and crawling at 6 months so he's now on a mission to stand. He works so hard on it every day and his personality is really beginning to come through as he manages the task of learning. He is persistent! It's so much fun to watch him grow, but boy I have my moments. On Sunday night, we had thunderstorms starting at 1am. Our golden retriever is terrified of storms so we always put her up on our bed. She shook and panted till about 3am and then E woke up around 4am so this mama didn't get any sleep!

Thankfully, the past few days we've been putting him down later and he's been sleeping until a little after 6. Phew. I also went to bed around 8:15 last night and woke only when I realized I hadn't pumped yet which was around 10:15. Today, I feel like a new human.

What a difference sleep makes!

I am going to leave this blog post here with all the things inspiring me right now, because why not?! :)

For the Mama Heart

I hear it. The underground support group that is equivalent in strength to a million armies. It's the group that works hard 24/7. They are always on call and their nickname is "mom". That's right, I now understand the reason why this strong support group exists. As I stood and talked to other moms on Saturday we laughed about our husbands being half-awake in the middle of the night, while we are fully awake, sitting in a chair, feeding. We talked about sleep training, attachment styles, bottles, in-laws, and all those things that become a topic when you become a parent. It's interesting right? It is as if you are going along one day with your priorities and then suddenly all of that shifts and now comes the task of prioritizing the little soul/person that has shown up in your life, along with all the other things you were prioritizing before... at least that is the expectation. The unmeetable expectation that I think all moms place on themselves. It's as if we feel this need to keep continuing with the life we had pre-baby, but also figure out how to take care of a baby and fit that baby into a life that is forever changed. I think my mom must have been really good at this, but me, not so much. As I sit here and I type I have just gotten finished with an assignment for one of my classes and I am listening to Ethan on the monitor. Yes, I am sitting here listening because I am not sure if he will go back to sleep or not. That is the constant question right? Do I need to go get him? Should I let him try to sleep more because I know he is tired? Do I need to nurse him? Change him? Why is he making that face? Is he hurting? Does he have gas? Is he constipated? Is he eating enough? Is it normal for him to be doing *fill in the blank. Oh my goodness, I am exhausted just typing that. But can anyone else relate? It's a constant ever-shifting puzzle and there is no room for perfection, because that's not how this thing works. No. This parenting stuff, I am pretty sure it's impossible to think that anything could ever be perfect. So, here I sit. It's taken me about a week to write this post from start to finish, but here we are... and in all its messiness right now, life is pretty good.

I have this thought that our kids have more wisdom than we do and they are actually sent as teachers. With that being said, I think our job is to tune in and listen, while putting aside all of our expectations; including, stressing over things like breastfed or formula fed, sleep training or co-sleeping, and being preoccupied with things like milestones.

I think it's easier said than done, right?

Thank goodness we all have each other, because this mom thing is a journey.

What does it feel like?

I think as humans we really want to know what something feels like. This is how we connect, this how we engage, this is how we empathize, and create negotiations where we slowly begin to define ourselves, our experiences and our world.

We're curious by nature. We want to know what it feels like to fall in love so when we are young we read stories and then try to fit that image into our hearts in hopes that it will somehow turn out the way we had pictured it. We want to know what it feels like to be fulfilled so we read books about it in hopes that we can have this feeling too. I know after being pregnant that before I got pregnant I wanted to know what it felt like. I asked women before me who have been pregnant before, and same with being a mom; however, for the first time ever, no one has been able to accurately describe what it feels like to be a mom or to have been pregnant.

There are also times in life where we don't want to know what it feels like so we don't ask. What does it feel like to lose something you love? What does it feel like to be disappointed? What does it feel like to not make it? To fail? We often don't necessarily want to know what these things feel like, even though we ALL experience these aspects of life. I think that's why for the most part when we are going through them, we often feel alone. Maybe those select few who "have been" there reach out, but for the most part, more often than not, we experience these parts of life quietly.

So, I think the best question we can ask our family, our friends, the people we care about, the people we don't know, even the things we are quick to judge is "what does it feel like?"

What does it feel like to be you, right now as you are?
Does it feel scary?
Empowering?
Steady?
Shaky?
Messy?
Controlled?
Loved?
Unloved?
Deep?
Shallow?
Thick?
Thin?

Does it feel tangible?
Does it feel new?
Different?
Familiar?

What does it feel like to be you? 

Wow, it's been over a year since I have visited this page. I knew it had been awhile, but I had no idea just how long it had been-- too long. I currently have spit up in my hair (yep, full mom-mode) and I'm sitting here in my pajamas, drinking decaf coffee while my two-month-old son naps. It's weird to type those words. I have a son. I can't even believe it most of the time, because it still doesn't feel real. I am not just babysitting or doing this mom thing for the time being, no, with each passing day I have struggled to understand that my days will not have the same rhythm they used to, nor will I be maintaining the same pace of life that I had before baby. While I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time reflecting, but I was also working/going to school (I'm in the last semester of getting my Master's degree in counseling) so I didn't really have time to picture what my life would be like once baby got here. I was so focused on just getting through the pregnancy and labor, that I never thought about what would happen once he was actually here. I think I was always holding my breath, just hoping that with each passing day of pregnancy, things would keep progressing and eventually, I would get to hold Ethan. Truth be told, I was terrified of labor and couldn't read anything that would allow me to get too concerned over all the things that "could" happen. Lucky for me, I went into labor completely surprised. On Thursday, March 14th, I was sitting with clients and around 6:30pm in the middle of a couple session, talking about boundaries, my water broke. I truly didn't know if my water was actually breaking. At first I legitimately thought I was peeing myself, but then it didn't stop and before I knew it, I was sitting in a puddle of fluid. I felt embarrassed (an unexpected feeling) and had no idea what to do, but I will tell you, my first instinct was to try to hide it and carry on with the session like it wasn't happening. Looking back now, this makes me laugh. Thankfully, I was not with new clients, I feel that would have been even more awkward. As I told my clients that I thought my water was breaking they quickly ran and got me paper towels and trash bags. I will never forget sitting there wondering if something was wrong. I was at the stage in my pregnancy where I knew he could come at any time, I just didn't think any time would be now. That very morning, I was sitting in a group session and I remember feeling such tremendous pressure "down there" that I felt like I needed to stand up. Afterwards, I went to Walgreens and bought a bunch of stuff for the hospital/after-birth because I hadn't done that yet and suddenly felt this urge to get stuff done. That afternoon, I had a doctor's appointment and was told my cervix was still thick and I wasn't dilated, but the baby's head was very low (hence, the pressure, I believe). I had a meeting after my doctor's appointment and then two more client sessions, so it was a busy day. The last thing I thought was that I would go into labor. Flashing back to sitting with clients, as fluid was still coming out of me, I called my husband and told him that my water might be breaking, then I called my parents. My supervisor ended up taking me to the hospital, which was funny because he's not only my supervisor, but has been my professor for the past three years. I sent an email on the way to the hospital to one of my other professors telling them that my paper due on Sunday might be late. I had every intention of completing it on Friday, but... little man had other plans.

I feel like birth/having a baby is so much to process. It really is a tremendous life change and yet, I think we as moms expect ourselves to fall into it so easily. I even find myself looking at moms that had babies around the same time as I did thinking, gosh, they just sank back into what looks like normal life so easily. Meanwhile, I can't seem to figure out how not to be constantly covered in breast milk. If you're wondering how the labor and delivery went, although I have nothing to compare it to, I had a very good experience. I did find it odd that I went into labor at 6:30pm on Thursday night and didn't see a doctor until 8am the next morning. Also, I labored all night without any medication or assistance so I kept wondering if my contractions were contractions or if I was just a baby (spoiler: they were) and I was just having a baby not being a baby. I made it until 6:45am and then finally received an epidural. Once I had the epidural, I was able to relax! Mamas who have long labors who go without, HOLY COW! You go! I was too afraid that the exhaustion alone would wear me out before pushing.  P.S. I didn't have a birth plan going in and was open to anything needed that would keep us safe.

I didn't miss not having a birth plan and I am also so grateful I didn't really have any expectations around what labor would be like, because I feel this allowed me to just be in the moment.
I don't know about you guys, but after giving birth, I had this newfound respect for my body and after taking care of Ethan for less than two weeks, I had this whole new respect for mamas. Moms are superheroes.

I still feel like I am very much just getting my feet back on the ground, but my hope is to write a little more. Ethan is now taking regular naps in his bassinet (post on that later).

It's funny to look back on this blog. Writing has always been here for me and I think I've been craving it so much because it gives me space to stretch out. It's like being able to stretch out my insides and finally process the last year. I can feel my heart softening as I type and my body relaxing as I move into this new place in my life as a mom, a counselor, a writer, and someone who appreciates authenticity and truth more with each passing day.