Ethan's Birth Story

I think we write birth stories more for ourselves than others. There is so much to process and  everything goes by so fast that it is only now, here, seven months later that I am able to sit down and tell the best story that I have ever lived out and that is Ethan's birth story.

It was a Thursday, March 14th. I woke up that morning and I had a lot of pressure down in my pelvis. I had a really packed schedule that day and I had back to back sessions with clients. That morning, I was sitting in on a group session and I felt so uncomfortable that I kept feeling like I needed to stand up and walk around. It was such an odd feeling. It felt heavy in my pelvis and somewhat achey!
I kept trying to move around in my seat, trying to get comfortable, but nothing was working. Finally the session ended (it was an hour and it felt like 4 hours), I had a little bit of time before going to another session so I ran to Walgreens and stocked up on all the things I had read that I would need for the hospital and after the hospital postpartum. I was approaching my 39th week and hadn't done that yet, but after the session I just had this weird feeling I needed to go get these things, but at the time of course I couldn't put my finger on why. 

The pressure I had been feeling had seemingly gone away. I had a doctor's appointment that day at 3pm. My mom went with me because Noah couldn't make it. I wasn't dilated and my cervix wasn't thinning, so by all the signs, Mr. Ethan was going to take his time; however, I still had a weird feeling that I just couldn't shake, but with the doctor's assurance that it still might be a little while, I didn't think anything about it.  

After my 3pm doctor's appointment I had back-to-back sessions with clients and I had just gotten off the phone with a friend before my 6pm client arrived telling her that my doctor still thinks it is going to be awhile. Little did I know, sitting in session with a couple, I would not make it out of that session saying the same thing. At 6:30pm I felt warm liquid beginning to fill my underwear. I thought I was peeing myself a little bit at first (which, was kinda normal at this point) so I continued the session. Then there was more and more liquid and I thought to myself, oh my gosh, I really can't stop peeing! Something must be wrong! Three minutes or so later, I was sitting in a puddle of water. Luckily, I had been seeing these clients for about a year and was comfortable with them, but at this point, I still wasn't sure if I was just peeing myself or if my water was breaking so I was a little embarrassed. 

I will never forget them sitting across from me as I tried to find a way to interrupt the session casually to say, "ugh, guys, I'm really sorry, but I think my water is breaking." The wife came around and she said, "Yep, your water is breaking." She ran and got me paper towels and brought me my bag so I could call Noah. 

At this point, I had no idea what to think. I thought that maybe something was wrong. I called Noah and he was in the middle of a house project/working out. I told him that I thought my water was breaking. After I got off the phone with Noah, I called my parents. 

I then just sat in the chair not really knowing what to do. The husband of the couple could not have been more excited for me. He assured me that everything would be okay and that I was okay. 

They offered to take me to the hospital, so I proceeded to gather up my stuff and walk down the hallway. I was wearing black pants so luckily, the fluid all over me was somewhat discreet. I felt like I had toilet paper attached to my shoe because I could feel everyone looking at me as I walked down the hall. 

My supervisor/professor stepped out of his office and after going back and forth trying to decide who would take me, we finally decided that he would. I didn't want to ruin the seats of his new car. He laughed and said it would be fine. I sent my professor an email on the way to the hospital saying that my paper due Sunday might be late. Then I called Noah. He couldn't believe I was on the way to the hospital. LOL. He didn't know what to think, nor did I! Luckily, I had some pj's laid out and some of my stuff for the hospital from Walgreens that morning out on the table. 

Once we arrived at the hospital, I filled out paperwork (I think) and then they put me in an observation room. The nurses couldn't figure out if my water had actually broken so I sat there for awhile while they checked me and checked me again. My parents stopped by, Noah's parents stopped by. I couldn't eat but they had brought Noah some dinner. I tried to do homework while we were in the observation room (what was I thinking)? I clearly couldn't focus, but I had a paper due on Sunday and still needed to read the book for it. Whoops!

I think it might have been around 8pm that they finally checked me into a room. They hooked me up with an IV full of fluids.

The contractions started a little later that evening. They started slow and mild. I had Noah's parents tell me when the contractions were coming so I knew if I was experiencing this pain for a reason. I still couldn't believe I was in labor! 

They left around 10:30pm and once they left my contractions really got going. I labored all night without any medication. It was exhausting and it was so odd not having a doctor there. It was really Noah and I just in there alone. I still kept thinking, am I in labor? Is this supposed to feel this way? I asked for a medicine ball and thank God I did because it was EVERYTHING!  Throughout that night I bounced on the ball and Noah and I walked the halls. Movement was so helpful.
Eventually though, the nurses had me get into bed and stay there because the strap around my belly to measure Ethan's heartbeat kept slipping.

I kept watching the clock at this point. I knew at 5:30am they were going to start me on Pitocin to really get things moving... 

Like clockwork, at 5:30am they started me on Pitocin and guys... I was in bed and the contractions started to feel unbearable. 

Am I alone when I say that Pitocin is no joke? My contractions started coming every 2 minutes and they were so intense. I was getting very tired by this point and the contractions felt like a jack hammer. My whole body was starting to shake and I was exhausted. The nurses kept asking me if I wanted medicine but I couldn't decide. Finally (an hour after the Pitocin), at 6:30am, I decided to take the epidural. Whew. After the epidural, it was pretty smooth sailing. Noah's parents came that morning around 8:30am and mine did too. I was able to enjoy them all. 

By 11am I was fully dilated and it was time to push, but at one point they had to slow down my labor to wait for the doctor to get out of a c-section in order for me to deliver.  They slowed me down so much that when it finally came time to push, I wasn't having a contraction and every time I would push, Ethan's heart rate would drop. I remember thinking: for one thing, I don't really know how to push and another, Ethan and I have come this far so we've got to do this thing. It was just me and Noah + the doctor in the room, but a little while later there were nurses that started to pile in the room. I didn't really know what was going on at the time, but they were in there ready for an emergency-c section just in case I needed to have one. 

I kept trying to push, but I wasn't still wasn't sure I was doing it right. At one point, I laughed and that's how I figured out the muscles I needed to engage to push. 

So, I told Ethan to trust me and I pushed. 

11:45am he showed up and my world has not been the same and I know it will never be the same. 

Noah and I decided to take an hour by ourselves with Ethan right after he was born, so our family had to wait to meet him! As soon as they put him on my chest, I had colostrum coming out of me, so I fed him and had the lactation specialist check to see if there were any concerns.

I am so grateful that Ethan latched easily, but what I didn't expect was him not wanting to take a bottle until he was 4 months (maybe that is another post)! I have heard everything about nipple confusion, etc., but never had I heard of a baby not taking a bottle! The things you don't think of until you're a mom... my goodness! That list is long.

In hindsight, I wish I would have known more going into birth, but at the same time, I feel like if I would have known more of what to expect, I would have worried/anticipated more. Since I wasn't expecting Ethan to come when he did, I was just sort of in the moment of it all (not really knowing what was going on)!

I know everyone's birth story is different, unique, personal.

I just wanted to share mine to process it because I think the moment our baby arrives we are sort of swept up in the immersion that comes from this newfound role of motherhood. Stepping back and remembering that day helps me to integrate life before Ethan and life now.

I don't really have any advice (gasp, I know that is a dreaded word), but I do wish I had packed a hospital bag sooner. Note to self: pack hospital bag just in case!

I will say that I thought I would be more afraid. I thought I would be afraid when I went into labor. I thought I would be afraid when I started to push. I thought I would be afraid when they told me I might need an emergency c-section. I wasn't afraid. I knew that no matter what, everything was really out of my control and all I could do was try to talk to Ethan and connect with him so that we could do this birth thing together. It was the most powerful experience because at the end of the day, the process of birth is ultimately surrendering every expectation we have so that we can do what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves and our baby. I find myself still needing to do that every single day.

I think that birth is the most powerful teacher and initiation into motherhood, because although we can prepare for it, we can't really plan it.

I wish that is what someone would have told me while I was pregnant.

Prepare for birth, but don't try to plan it, instead just be present, breathe and let go.