It's probably the fourth time I have re-heated my coffee (decaf) this morning. Yes, I am drinking decaf and pretending like it isn't. Why? Nursing.
Guys, this weekend was a doozy. I have been nursing some sort of cold and because of that, I wasn't able to sleep on Friday night. I thought it might be decreasing my milk supply after trying to pump around 9pm after feeding E at 7pm. We just adjusted his sleep time to help us transition into the fall time change. When I pumped for 5 minutes and got nothing but drips, I began to fully panic. I laid in bed that night wondering if Ethan was starving. Wondering if he had gotten enough food. I went through all these scenarios in my head and thought about the research I've done on formula. Although, I've looked at plenty and debated many times to start formula, I haven't ever been able to decide on one, so I've kept going. Finally, around 3 am I got out of bed and pumped after not being able to sleep a wink. I pumped over 8 ounces.
I then proceeded to lay on the couch and watch Gilmore Girls because I couldn't handle going upstairs to see my soundly sleeping husband. I had already woken him up at 2am in my panic. I didn't want to risk the urge of waking him again.
As the credit for Gilmore Girls started I finally fell asleep.
E slept through the night, but I did not.
Now, let's talk about last night. For the first time in the 7 months since Ethan has been alive we had him out past bedtime and didn't do a bath. We were determined parents who didn't want to let a schedule run their lives... Ha!
We got home, did pj's... he went to sleep. He woke up at 10pm, then at 11pm and I got up with him around 11:30pm. Then he woke again about 5:15am. I waited until 5:30, then nursed him. He didn't want to go back down, so I got up with him. By 6:30am he was ready to go back to sleep, I nursed him, put him down, climbed back in bed only to put my head against my pillow completely awake. I tried to close my eyes, to relax, but I was awake. 7:15am my husband's alarm went off. Shortly after, E woke up. My husband went to get him and told me to stay in bed. I tried. I tried to sleep, but I could hear them downstairs.
So, I got up and here I am, re-heating my coffee. In the mix between my frustration, bad thoughts, anger and delirium, somewhere I found gratitude. Gratitude for this healthy boy. Gratitude for being chosen to be his mom. Gratitude. But it's not easy.
Now he's up for his nap, which was only 30 minutes and my intention today is just to make the most of it.
I know I can't be alone when it comes to the absolute mix of emotions that come with being a new mom. A lot of people write about it and talk about it, but we still often feel alone, because we are in our houses or going to work and having to in some way keep it all together.
So for those mamas out there, getting up with their babies, doing their thing, re-heating coffee...
respect. Moms are superheroes. You are a superhero. Remember that today.
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